Fair Exchanges
by Moonlight Memories
Summary: She loves him, she really does. Still, she can’t love him in the way he wants her to, in the way she wants to. Either way, it shouldn't really matter since she is in need with him and he, in love with her. JustinAlex


Disclaimer: I don't own this.

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He shifts beside her. Without opening her eyes, she knows he has propped himself on one elbow. She doesn't move a muscle, pretends to be asleep. Who is she fooling? Herself? Him? The world? Her brother brushes her hair away from her face and stares into her face. Gently, he kisses her temple and whispers that she's beautiful. She doesn't have to look into his eyes to know that they are full of love. He cups her cheek in his hands while slowly lowering himself back onto her bed. It is a trick he has managed to master in these three months. She knows it's hard, considering their entangled limbs.

She loves him, she really does. He's the best brother in the world, always the first one to get her out of trouble (He still annoys her occasionally with his big words, though). Still, she can't love him in the way he wants her to, in the way she wants to.

She clearly remembers the first time he told her that he loved her. He had almost… she still can't quite let herself think that word, let alone say it. She was so relieved to have him back that she hugged him tightly and wouldn't stop crying. That was when he used the L word. She hadn't noticed the change of tone and replied that she loved him too, that he was so important to her. She hadn't even realised what was happening when he sat her down and explained that he didn't love her the way a brother should love his sister. At the time, she was so traumatised by the near accident that she had nodded without understanding, drinking in his appearance and the fact that he wasn't dead, that he was still here.

He must have known that she wasn't listening, so he kissed her on the lips. It wasn't chaste in the least, but that finally brought her back to Earth again. She pulled away quickly and stared at him, shocked. Still, she couldn't help seeing the pain in his eyes.

Perhaps that was what made her kiss him.

Perhaps it was the thought that he'd never be his normal self again, the knowledge that their relationship would never be the same again. Perhaps it was her love for him as his sister.

Either way, everything changed.

She does the best she can. She pretends that she does love him in the way they both want her to love him. It's not very hard, but then again she's had a lot of practice in lying.

She counts herself lucky that she still has him, that their relationship hasn't changed much at all. In fact, everything has kind of changed for the better. He's more willing to help her. He hasn't left her in the lurch for a while, but that's probably because he's always horrified by her latest failure when it comes to spells. He worries. He nags. They still fight though. It keeps her sane.

They kiss differently, though. His kisses are gentle, loving. It is reflective of the way he feels about her. Her kisses are rough, meant to hurt. It is reflective of the way she feels about him. She loves him, she hates him. Most importantly, she cannot do without him. In the very end, that is truly all that matters.

She gives her everything up to him.

She was very uncomfortable that first time. Now, sex is just sex, nothing very important. She doesn't feel very different because of it. It goes in, it goes out, she moans, he moans, he comes, she fakes, and tadah, that's it. Sure it's enjoyable. It's just that she isn't in love him and that makes all the difference.

She knows that it is wrong on so many levels but then again, she was never a stickler for the rules. Come to think of it, it is rather amusing that Justin, the one who had always followed the rules religiously, was the one who initiated all of this.

She feigns love and pleasure in exchange for his happiness. It's a pretty fair exchange, considering how much she needs him. She'll never say that out loud, though.

She's gotten so good at lying to herself that she finds herself believing it. Lately, she's starting to feel electricity brush against her skin where he has touched her. She doesn't love him though, she can't. It's only pretence.

Sometimes, she wonders if it's fair to him. With all his intelligence, it would not have been difficult to figure out how she really feels about him. Perhaps he, too, is in denial. They need each other, she muses. He is in love with her, she is in need with him. She keeps telling herself that it is fine even though she knows it is not.

Maybe someday, she'll fall in love with him, love him the way she wants to.

Well, it isn't like she doesn't already love him. It's just that it is not the way he deserves to be loved, that is all. Maybe. She decides to open her eyes.

She eases herself away from him and stares into his face. Justin is asleep. His long eyelashes frame his eyes and he looks very peaceful.

He's beautiful.

Trembling (why does she feel so nervous, so worried that someone would see?), she reaches out and touches his cheek. Then she raises her eyes to the rising sun.

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A/N: Hope you liked this oneshot! As for what Alex feels about Justin, it's open to interpretation. If you're curious, I wrote it to show that Alex does love Justin in the way a woman loves her husband, but nowhere as much as he loves her. She's kind of in denial. If possible, leave me a little review^^


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